Before i start, Ayr is a small town on the east coast of Queensland 1 hour drive south of Townsville.  That town has no public transport and hence I have no car and struggle to get around.  It's a trap because it is easy to get there and very difficult to get out.

For a few years up to now, I admitted not looking favorably about going to Ayr and 4 Wilmington Street.  I think it's time my dad and everybody found out the truth.  My dad says he will be let down if I don't go there to Ayr.  I won't be surprised if my dad is displeased but that's just the way I feel about Ayr.  I just don't see Ayr as a warm welcoming place like I used to in the past.

Before my dad expresses displeasure, I have news.  Ever since my grandma passed away I have never had the desire to go to Ayr and 4 Wilmington Street ever and I still don't have that desire to go anyway.  I'm just not the person that my dad expected me to be.  I just have no desire to go to Ayr what so ever nowadays.

It's important that everybody and my dad knows the truth about how I really feel about Ayr and 4 Wilmington Street.  To me that town and place is a graveyard with no soul and I had that attitude since my grandma passed away.  It doesn't feel like home to me at all, and that has been my feelings all along.

Admittedly I did make some arrangements to go to Ayr at times, but sometimes I forget the conditions there are not the same as a long time ago.  Hence I overall just lost the desire to go there because I felt the conditions there are not right and that's the reason why I keep cancelling trips to Ayr because I felt I would be unhappy there.

This issue had been going on for a few years now and I think it is time that my dad and everybody found out the truth on how I really feel about that town.

Of course my dad will be let down but it is far better he found out the truth on how i exactly feel about that town.  A home is not a physical place.  A home is a virtual place and it is all in my mind.  A home is where I feel happy with friends and family with access to services and transport and Ayr just doesn't provide all of that nowadays.  Ayr is not a home to me because the conditions there are not right to be one.  Let face it things have changed since my grandparents passed away and the conditions there are just not right.  Ayr nowadays is just a shadow of it's former past, and things have changed.

Back then when I was little I used to call Ayr home but not anymore.  Back then my grandparents were still alive I was still happier back then there, and I would be able to talk about my feelings and events all the time there, but that soon disappeared after my grandparents passed away.  My attitude just is not the same anymore.

Admittedly I ran off to Sydney in late 1999 for a pilot living experience to find out if I could get a life, but that failed.  I tried again in 2003, this time with Darwin and it succeeded because I knew at the time I was on a sinking ship back in Ayr with my grandma on her last legs.  Once I moved to Darwin, i found it extremely difficult to return back and on one occasion I did return back but not for long because I found out the conditions that i experienced in the past just didn't exist anymore.

I am under the impression that my dad wanted me to call Ayr home all my life and that's the impression I get on what my dad thinks.  His biggest mistake is that he expected me to call Ayr my home even after my grandparents passed away, but in my view it doesn't work like that.  No human beings can be expected to stay in the same town all their lives, it would be far too soul destroying and depressing.

I am afraid I would be bored, extremely lonely and possibly develop mood swings if I ever returned to Ayr for a visit or to live so that is why I never have the desire to visit that town. That's why I keep cancelling trips to Ayr at the last minute because I am afraid I will be unhappy there and make a quick dash to Darwin.

So I am not the person that my dad expects me to turn out to be.  I am just a typical male who looks for life in big cities and once I tasted that life in the cities I just struggle to please my dad and struggle to come back to Ayr no matter how hard i try to because the conditions there in Ayr aren't right for me and are not the same as in the past.

Sometimes I feel I don't really want to be associated with my dad and his family because I feel they are living in the past.  Too cranky, too strict and that's the reason why I sometimes don't want anything to do with the family.  I admitted sometimes I feel very uncomfortable dealing with my dad and his family at times.

I admitted that some people will be displeased but I feel it is very important that people find out the truth on how I exactly feel about approaching that town.  It's far better that I speak out the truth so that everybody understands how I exactly feel about that soulless town.  If I don't speak out the truth on how i feel people will never know.

William Walker